at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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