After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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