Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
