I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
