If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
