stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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