So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
