If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
