I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
