I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
