I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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