I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
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His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
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I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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