On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
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Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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