God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
