you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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