just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you never un-have a 4some
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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