Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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