'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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