apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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