OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
