i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
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You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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