i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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