I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
