I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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