3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
