No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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