Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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