if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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