connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
