If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
