kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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