I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
