I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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