Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
