he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
