She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
