i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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