hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
