So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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