So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
