Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
