Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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