I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
