It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
