My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
