when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
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He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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