My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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