Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
