Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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