We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
