i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
