Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
