I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
