we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
