So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
