I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
