Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
